What happens if I misgender someone?
Misgendering someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally, can have a range of impacts. It's a term that refers to using pronouns, titles, or gendered language that doesn't align with a person's gender identity. For example, calling a transgender woman "he" or referring to a non-binary person as "sir" or "ma'am" would be misgendering them. While some instances might be accidental slips, the cumulative effect of being misgendered can be significant and harmful.
The Immediate Impact of Misgendering
When you misgender someone, here's what can happen in the moment:
- They might feel invalidated: At its core, misgendering communicates that the person's gender identity is not seen, understood, or respected. This can make them feel invisible or like their identity is being erased.
- They might feel hurt or upset: For many, especially transgender and non-binary individuals, their gender identity is a deeply personal and integral part of who they are. Being misgendered can be akin to being told they are wrong about themselves, which can be emotionally painful.
- They might feel anxious or uncomfortable: Constantly having to correct people or navigate situations where their gender isn't affirmed can be exhausting and anxiety-inducing. They might worry about how they will be perceived or treated.
- They might experience a sense of "othering": Misgendering can make someone feel like they don't belong or aren't fully accepted within a group or society. This can lead to feelings of isolation.
- They might need to correct you: Often, the person being misgendered will feel compelled to correct you. This can be an uncomfortable and awkward situation for everyone involved, but it's a necessary step for them to assert their identity.
It's important to understand that this isn't about a person being "oversensitive." For many, it's about basic respect and dignity. Their gender identity is not a preference; it is their reality.
The Long-Term Impact of Repeated Misgendering
While a single accidental misgendering might be a minor incident, consistent or repeated misgendering can have much more profound and lasting consequences:
- Erosion of self-esteem: When an individual's identity is constantly questioned or dismissed, it can chip away at their sense of self-worth and confidence.
- Increased risk of mental health issues: Studies have shown a strong correlation between experiencing misgendering and higher rates of depression, anxiety, and even suicidal ideation among transgender and gender non-conforming individuals. This is often referred to as "minority stress."
- Damaged relationships: If you consistently misgender someone, even if they initially try to be understanding, it can strain your relationship. They may begin to feel that you don't truly care about them or respect their identity.
- Reinforcement of societal prejudice: When we misgender people, we inadvertently reinforce harmful societal norms and biases that often target transgender and non-binary individuals.
- Fear of social interaction: For some, repeated negative experiences of being misgendered can lead to a withdrawal from social situations, limiting their opportunities for connection and community.
Think of it this way: Imagine if everyone consistently called you by the wrong name, or insisted on using a nickname you disliked, every single day. It would be frustrating, demeaning, and eventually, it would wear you down. Misgendering can have a similar, though often more deeply rooted, impact.
How to Respond When You Misgender Someone
Accidents happen. The most important thing is how you handle it when it occurs. Here's what you should do:
- Apologize sincerely and briefly: A simple, "I'm sorry, I meant to say [correct pronoun/name]," is usually sufficient. Don't over-explain or make excuses.
- Correct yourself: Immediately use the correct pronoun or name. For example, if you accidentally said "he" to a transgender woman, follow up with "Sorry, *she* is wearing a lovely scarf."
- Move on: Don't dwell on the mistake. Continuing to apologize or draw attention to it can make the situation more awkward for the person you misgendered. The goal is to show you've learned and are moving forward.
- Make a mental note: Try to remember the correct pronoun or name for next time. If you're unsure, it's okay to discreetly ask, "What pronouns do you use?" This is often best done in a private moment.
- Practice: If you're struggling with new pronouns or names, practice saying them to yourself or with a trusted friend. The more you use them, the more natural they will become.
"The most basic of human rights is the right to have your identity respected. And for trans and non-binary people, that starts with being correctly gendered."
What If Someone Gets Upset When You Misgender Them?
If you misgender someone and they react with anger or frustration, it's often a sign of the cumulative pain they've experienced. While it's natural to feel defensive, try to remember that their reaction is likely a result of repeated disrespect, not just your single mistake. Listen to their feedback, apologize again sincerely if appropriate, and commit to doing better. Avoid arguing or invalidating their feelings.
The Importance of Pronouns
Pronouns are a fundamental part of how we refer to people. For many, especially transgender and non-binary individuals, their pronouns are intrinsically linked to their gender identity. Using someone's correct pronouns is a basic act of respect and affirmation. It shows that you see them, acknowledge them, and respect who they are.
Common pronouns include:
- He/him/his
- She/her/hers
- They/them/theirs (used for individuals who identify as non-binary or as a singular "they")
Some people use multiple sets of pronouns, or neopronouns (e.g., xe/xem/xyrs). The best practice is always to use the pronouns that a person tells you they use.
When to Ask About Pronouns
It's becoming increasingly common and appreciated to share your own pronouns when introducing yourself. This signals that you are an ally and creates a more inclusive environment. If you are unsure of someone's pronouns, and it feels appropriate in the context of your conversation, you can politely ask: "What pronouns do you use?" or "Could you remind me of your pronouns?"
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
How can I avoid misgendering someone?
The best way to avoid misgendering someone is to be mindful and practice. Listen carefully to how others refer to themselves and each other. If you're unsure, it's okay to politely ask. Making a conscious effort to use correct pronouns and names, and practicing when you're alone, can also help significantly.
Why is it so important to use the correct pronouns?
Using the correct pronouns is a fundamental sign of respect and validation for a person's identity. For transgender and non-binary individuals, being referred to by the correct pronouns affirms who they are. Misgendering, conversely, can be hurtful, invalidating, and contribute to feelings of distress and marginalization.
What if I'm not sure if I've misgendered someone?
If you suspect you may have misgendered someone but aren't sure, it's often better to err on the side of caution. You can discreetly observe how others refer to the person, or if the situation feels right and private, you can politely ask them about their pronouns. If you realize you made a mistake shortly after, a brief, sincere apology and correction is usually best.
How can I educate myself further on gender identity and inclusivity?
There are many excellent resources available. Websites of LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations, books by transgender and non-binary authors, and reputable online articles can provide comprehensive information. Listening to the lived experiences of transgender and non-binary people is also invaluable.
